Yesterday
March 2, 2012
I met Jim on the 4th of July 1978 or was it 79. Was invited by a friend who was dating a SEAL and she says he had a friend who she thought I should meet . So we went and met up with her date. A little time passed and in walks this handsome guy... with a can of Coors in his hand. She tried to catch his attention and he started walking toward us, and then looked to his left as he noticed another girl standing there against the rail on the balcony. She was only about 3 feet away from us. She was smiling at him as he walked straight up to her and reached out with his right hand and grabbed her cheek with his thumb and index finger and squeezed so hard as he shook her face back and forth and said something under his breath to her – I couldn't hear. Do you know what I said to myself after that...... Do you know what I said... to my self after seeing that.... “he would never do that to me”.
He burried our son on the 4th of July weekend in Boulder City Nevada... 2005
I was only allowed to watch from afar and was not acknowledged or honored by Jim or The Navy commanders. Henry Reid, Nevada's congressman, sat directly in front of me. Along with the other “Important People” who attended and also sat in the two rows in front of me and my family.
I was not treated with respect as A Gold Star Mother. It was as if I wasn't in the room. No one even looked at me, except when Henry Reid scooted forward in the pew and turned around and looked right into my eyes, sternly, then turned back around. I felt intimidated and broken hearted. I wanted to say, don't you know I am Shane's Mom. But I didn't say anything.
As Shane's body was lowered into the ground, I was told to Halt. I was not permitted to pass a spacific point. I stood a football field away, holding my baby, Robert on my hip, with my little girl Rose and husband standing beside me watching.
The last time Shane and I were together he was 11 ½
he was KIA 11 ½ years later.
March 9 2012
In 1993 I left Jim and our sons, intact as a family, believing that was the best I could do for them to keep them all together and remove myself from the family.
Jim, was still in the Seal Team and had the income to support the family. I had been a stay at home mom with no work experience or college. I knew divorce was imminent, because I could no longer survive the spousal abuse, physical, verbal and emotional abuse I was living through those thirteen years of marriage.
Divorce did not stop the emotional abuse. For the past eighteen years, I have not seen or heard from our four sons, Jimmy, Shane, Chase and Deano. They forgot that they love me. Jim made sure of that. It breaks my heart and worse than that... their hearts are broken and they may not even be aware of it. They think they Hate me... but truly, only Jim Patton hates me... the children ( who are between 21 and 30 now ) have been brainwashed to hate me.
The last time the boys and I were together, at my apartment, we said our good byes... huged, kissed, smiled, waved and looked into each others eyes... waving as Jim drove off with them... that was the summer of 1994.
Jim Patton is even above the orders of the courts joint custody and to keep the children in touch with mom through visitation, phone calls, letters etc...
Existing has been difficult... I grieved the loss of those four children... even though the four of them were alive, having them stolen from me... like this... caused me to grieve for many years and still even today grief hits me unexpectedly... yet out of respect for those around me... I smile most of the time and rarely speak openly about it.
There "are" no words that can offer someone else an understanding. As big as my loss is... when you combine the loss of the four boys... each, individually loosing their mother, who loves them to the ends of the earth... they are my babies... they are all men now but they are my babies.
I just had this memory~
One summer my mom went to visit the four boys in Boulder City Nevada at their house about 1997 or so. They had a good visit and mom brought back some Polaroids. My mom told me that Shane said to her... Grandma, when you come here... life is horrible for us for weeks... you shouldn't come anymore. When my mom told me this... I also asked her not to go again... The last thing I wanted was for my children, who were also Jim's children... to be miserable or suffer because of me. I think that was her last visit to them too.
Since Shane's Death, in Afghanistan 2005, my mind somehow has shut down my memories. In recent months these memories are coming forth and I am writing them down... with many tears and swollen eyes that follow... but once I get it into a word doc I get up and get on with the day. It feels better to let this out than to hold it in.
When they come – sometimes I write them – sometimes I am not able to and I hope they come to me again later. I want to remember, I want to share, I hope some thing positive comes out of this. I ask myself ? Can something positive come out of this ?
During our marriage, when Jim would misbehave toward me in front of the children and leave me broken and crying... there were times when Jimmy and Shane stood by looking at me... and I remember looking back at them and pleading with them to “Never ever treat your girlfriends or wife the way your dad treats me.”
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