19 years... and still I cry...
by Valerie Berdeski on Tuesday, February 28, 2012 at 7:03am ·
February 28 2012
Today, I woke and it was a normal morning. I stepped into the shower and struck by memory... was overwhelmed by the memory of an evening in Feb1993. I came home from the Nail Salon where I worked and walked in the front door. Jim was sitting in the recliner holding the day's news paper open wide, and slowly looked at me with the look, then looked back into the open news paper as if I never entered the room. I knew I was in trouble and I could hear the two little ones splashing in the bath tub. Walking down the hallway I saw the two big boys were in their bedroom. I walked in to the bathroom to help the boys finish up their bath...
Chase saw me and stood up to get wrapped with the towel grabbed I was holding open. I saw purple marks on his bottom. I was instantly in SHOCK. I yelled out - “WHO HAS BEEN SUCKING ON MY BABYS BOTTOM!!!!” “ WHAT ARE THESE MARKS... THEY LOOK LIKE HIKIES!!!” I was washed in fear and anguish overcame me... I was freaking out thinking my husband was hurting my baby... I must have yelled several times because Jimmy and Shane came into the bathroom looking sad... and my little boy... my little Chase said... “Mommy, daddy spanked me because I wouldn't come in the house... I was jumping on the trampoline”
You know – I am still filled with the guilt, anguish, sadness and fear... for not calling the police. To this day... I cry and put myself through hell because I never made Jim face the abuse he put me and our children through...
I always protected Jim... I was wrong... I always loved Jim... I left him and filed for divorce... not because I no longer loved him... I still wish the best for him... Maybe I was the one who was abusing the children and myself... by not standing up for us... and for running away...
I left the boys with him, I had been a stay at home wife. Had a brand new Manicurist license and been employed for a couple months. He punished me for this by hurting Chase... I had agreed to do one more walk-in that night... I should have come home and not done her nails... then Chase wouldn't have been punished for my actions...
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