A Story of my Life
My first husband had me on Steroids... Deca Dura Bolin... at this time... He wanted me to be someone new... When my face started growing hair and my voice got deeper... he agreed to stopshoot me in the butt with the steroids. He bought this big ass reusable, glass needle... ugh!
Anyway... He was the boss... and unfortunately... he is the boss of everyone in his life, including our children : (
He would buy them, the “roids”. across the border in Mexico, taking me with him. He knew all the key things to look for so as not to purchase the “fake” ones. He got underground letters from group of users... He made me put them in my underpants and sneak them across the border... you know why??? “Because, he said, You-have-nothing-to-loose, and I DO”... I just did as I was told... all those years... with him.
He supplied lots of guy's in the teams, with them also. Jim was the SEAL TEAM “Master at Arms” (means police man) and he knew when the “Piss-Tests” would come. He was also the king pin for the “Roids” He knew everything about them and how to get the most out of them. He set guys up on a “Program”, that's what it's called when you take them for a series of about 6 weeks... a program.
When you are a victim of emotional, physical, spousal abuse, married to a chronic adulterer, for years and years... it's like it doesn't exist... I just lived it... everyday...
until March 15, 1993... He had me reduced to a crouching ball of fear and tears in the kitchen. We lived in Silver Strand Navy Housing. He was screaming at me.. “YOU'LL NEVER LEARN... YOU'LL NEVER LEARN” our four sons age 11, 10, 5, and 4 standing around us watching him verbally and physically abuse me... and Guess why... it was pay day and “ I had spent too much money at the Commissary”
At that moment... something clicked in my mind, Something in my psyche said – get up and run – or you will die -
And so I did.
Feb 17, 2012 entry
on March 15th, 1993 at 5:30 in the evening, I was crying as I ran for my life, from my husband at the time... and in the front yard my children were crying too... and Chase and Deano were crying out at me... "take me mommy... take me with you mommy"
I couldn't... I drove away... with a gut instinct that this was the best I could do for them... because down deep I knew, that if I were not in the picture their father would treat them better
February 20, 2012
new memories come to me... I want to write them down... but I am not in a place where I can do that... then tomorrow comes... and I can not remember them.
week 5 of a 6 week program... not something I would recommend to others...
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