Hi Kids Today is Rosie's Birthday and Tomorrow is Shane's

Hi Kids,

I have not posted anything new in a while but today I feel you kids so close in my soul. We are all connected and always will be. I have the CD Bayside playing in the background and have to admit it makes me feel close to you. I have fallen in love with that CD. One thing that is particularly note worthy for me is that even though these kids singing are 20 years younger than me... the words touch me just as they touch their younger fans, like you's. It makes me think about things I have lived through - good and bad - happy and sad - this is Life. We all live it and go through these things. Some are really scary and some are pure bliss, like having each one of my children. Each one of you brought pure love into my existance... into my world. That has a lot to do with my choice to have 6 children. I love you all... I LOVE YOU ALL. Those words don't mean a thing to you boy's though but I know that one day they will again. That is what keeps me going is keeping that in my heart.
I would never want to say, and I don't have any thing planned to say to you kids about your dad that would hurt you. There is nothing that I could say anyway... there are no stories that I have saved or kept brewing in my mind for the sake of hurting him. There is only the sadness that I feel and have felt all these years because the choices he has made to disparriage me and my family members to our children. You are mine as much as you are his. We are your parents - Mom and Dad - and nothing can change that. Mom and Dad, Mom and Dad.
The song "Blame it on bad Luck" is playing... those words they are singing reach me to the center of my being just as they likely reach you. They are true for my lifes experience as for your's, Chase. People always tell me that I Look So Strong and the words Steller Personality have been used about me by others who know me, like my Doctors : ) who I have been seeing a lot of lately.
I feel so much love and emotion for you children - mabey that is because today is Rosie's and tomorrow is Shane's birthday and then Chase is 7 days after that... Dean-o your's is coming up in a month... and I celebrated Jimmy's with Ben's in August. I just wish the love would touch you children one day and you would recognize that in your hearts and souls and remember the love we shared that last time we were together. With all my heart - I Love You... ( as warm tears fill my eyes and heart )

Please call me soon....

Happy Birthday Shaner my sweet one... Love Mom

Come home boys....COME HOME!!!

Also, we are having Rosie's Birthday Party on Saturday the 18th from 4 to 7 pm. We bought her the same Trampoline you kids had, but this one is all black and it looks really cool, dad set it up a couple days ago. Even baby Robert loves it. ( He will be three on Feb 25th )I wish you boys would show up here at the house and have some fun with us. I-15 South about 5 hrs to Poway Rd go east about 10 miles and turn left on Olive Tree Lane, look for the red 68 VW and you will be home. ( the engine is out rite now gettin overhauled ) I Love you!!

Jim, Jeff, JJ Who Ever you are Today....

Jim Patton~

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!!!

Do you want to hear me say "You Win"!
You've successfully done me in...
You lied, cheated, and stole everything of value to me...
Our Children, OUR Children...
Now We have One who see's you for who you are-
Looking down upon you he cries...
For his Mother...
For his Brother's...
The day will come...
They will come home...
I will wait an eternity...
One Day My Son's Will Come Back Home...
They are my babies...
12 years I have cried for my babies...

I know why you Hate me -
Truth sits just behind my lips...
All these years you wonder-
How long will she keep quiet you ask yourself...
For I am the keeper of your greatest Fear...
Children coming home and finding out...
What you have done and who you truly are...

Your Poison fills their veins today...
To your pleasure they hate me...
As you taught them to...
As you taught them to...
You are a Righteous Man..
Unto yourself.

Wright this wrong
Tell them yourself
...You were wrong
...You are sorry
It's been done before
won't be a first
...You were wrong
...You are sorry

Your Mother Loves you...
Your Mother Loves you...
...I am sorry... so very sorry...
-Tell them Jim...
-Tell Them.
...For their sake
...Let them Love Their Mother...

...Valerie...

More Photo's of Dean

This is Me and You when you were about 24 hrs old. Below you see my Beautiful Chase. What a sweet heart he has... I Love You Chase... My heart breaks when I think about all of you in these photos. You can see Shane in the chair holding Dean... You had greyish or silverish hair when you were born, where all my other babies were all born with black hair. You were very special delivery and you still are...

Here you are in the Neonatal Intensive Care unit. They kept you here for 24 hrs until you were alert enough and they felt safe that you were ok.

I hope you enjoy seeing these photos of this wonderful day. These are the only one's I have.

Chase~ I will post the story of your birth next...

All my Love... Mom

Dean, This is the story of your Birth.

This first photo is Dean-O. He was 2 days old and you can see the bracelet on his ankle. We were still in Gorgas Army Hospital in Panama. He was born 4 weeks before the Norriaga war in Panama. The night I went into labor - I had woke up to go pee : ) when I sat on the toiled I heard a "POP"... I didn't know what that was because I had never had that happen. Well I went back to bed dismissing the "POP" sound but when I sat on the side of the bed... Amniotic Fluid or Water came rushing out. "It was time" the baby would be born today... We had to call our friends to come to the house to watch you 3 boys and... we had to call Security for an escort to the hospital because of the unsettledness among the people in Panama at the time. Once Dad and I got to the hospital my labor slowed down and there were several other women who were ready to deliver... they had us go out of the labor room and into a private room and wait for the baby to come... Well, I had the urge to pee again... : ) so Dad helped me off the gerney and I walked to the bathroom. Well - when I got done... I was sort of stuck and had to call dad to help me walk... The baby started coming out. I virtually had no labor pains. This baby's labor was almost painless. Dad ran out to call for the nurse and they came in with an attitude like we were making things up and getting restless.... Well the nurse gave me an exam and the look on her face was shock and surprise... "Don't move" she say's "I will run and get the Dr." They rushed me into the delivery room... I pushed, and pushed and after about 5 of those... my Dean-O was born. You came out crying and Dad should have the video that he made of your actual birth. After about 1 minute you became a limp baby that was turning blue. The Dr. gave you to the nurse and they ran you to the Neonatel emergency room. They had to hook you up to all kinds of tubes and bring you to life. I have 1 photo of you with all those things hooked up to you... I will scan it in and post it here later today or tomorrow... I was so scared you were not going to make it. When the Dr handed my limp, blue baby to the nurse and told her to rush you over there... I told dad to follow her. Stay with the baby!!

Dean-O, Can you imagine how much I Love you? You are my baby... you live in my soul. You are a precious part of my life. All my love... Mom

THE NARCISSIST AND RELATIONSHIPS

http://www.angelfire.com/ego/narcissism/women.html

The Male Narcissist and Women

~Click the Link above~
It is enlightning
This essay describes what I believe I have endured the past 26 years
From my former husband.
You may even notice things that relate to your relationships with him.

Here is a paragraph that describes in detail what our relationship was like with him. When I finally left him, I was running for my life...

A narcissist is skilled at the art of verbal abuse and the narcissist is proficient at verbally abusing women. Narcissists like to frustrate women. Their behavior toward a woman keeps her on the edge of insanity because she doesn't know what is coming next. The narcissist uses what he deems the blunt or brutal truth to eat away at any attributes that a woman might have. The woman is left with no self-esteem when the narcissist is through with her. This is the way he wants her. If her self esteem is not in tact he can gain control over her and retain her as narcissistic supply.

This article is very interesting and I hope you read it.

My Love to you all,

Love Mom...

Photo taken in my kitchen just 3 hrs ago

By: Baby Robert

Age 2-1/2

: )

Don't hate me ~ Because your Father taught you to...

Don't hate me ~ Because your Father taught you to...

Just remember who you are deep down inside yourself
You are the Holy Son of God Himself.
You are not alone in this world
You have God who listens to your whispers,
Your every silent prayer~
You have me, I am yours, We are one
Things can change and they will
I am always here for you
I will always Love you...

You are my children...

No one Loves a child Like their Mother does
I Love you.... Mom

Today @ The Beach

Oh, I almost forgot the Pics from Today at Solana Beach. We found a nice little Cove with Free parking. I love everything that is Free!! It was absoultely a beautiful day today and the water was warm...

This one is me in my new bathing suit - Trying to be as pretty as Marilyn Monroe. You probably don't know who she is anyhow...

Miss Rose... that is her nick name. When she was about 1 week old I took her out for a stroller ride to the cafe' at the beach. A close friend of Grandma's looked down at her in the stroller and uncovered her little feet. She gave her big toe a little jiggle and said " How are you Miss Rose " Well the name stuck and I have called her that all her life. She is a wonderful daughter and she is also my beautiful friend.

Robert and Daddy with the Cliff's behind them. See all the people behind them... well when the tide came up they all leave that area because the water gets to be about 2-3 feet deep and crashes against the cliff there...

I have so many photos to show you... I sure do love this digital world.

The last week of June 2006, a couple months ago~ I took Robert out Deep Sea Fishing on an all day boat with 24 of my co-workers. We caught 18 sea bass between us. We had so much fun that day. On the way back in the seagulls were so happy to get the fish guts that the deck hands were throwing over board as they gutted and fillet our fish. What a Father's Day to remember.

Now here we have Robert at the Del Mar Fair. He was pissed off because I wouldn't stop taking his picture. I am a little relentless with my picture taking... I asked him to smile... he said no! So I asked him again and as he screamed NO at me I snapped this photo... I think it shows great expression... It show's his not so sweet side. He really is a good boy. Just like you all were when you were his age.

Next came the Monster Trucks... I put the camera away and put him on my shoulders and we watched them and the trick motorcycles... It was a really hot day this day... This was also in June. Like June 2nd or something.

I love you boys... You know that I do. I send you my love with my every heart beat.

Take care and think of me...

Love,

Mom

Hi Boy's Here's the Padre Game Photo's I promised.

• I have some photos for you... I told you Rose won Padre Tickets last month and we all went to an afternoon game down town in the new Petco Park Baseball field. Here are some photos of that day... and some I took today at Solana Beach here in San Diego. I Love you all... Very much.

This first one is Daddy and Robert on the Trolly.

This Second one is Rose on the Trolly. We parked at one of the Park and Ride stops and jumped on the Trolly and rode it downtown. The Baby loves trains... and it sure looks like Rosie does too.

This is Me and Rosie... I took the picture myself... We had the sun in our eyes...

And this one... you can see the Coronado Bridge and in that top section the Army was sitting and they played our National Anthem and they all stood up while the all the people in the Stadium cheered and clapped and whistled, eyes watered and they showed the guys on the big Replay Screen alll in Army Green. It was really an awesome moment... I cried ~ as usual...

: )

Boy's ~ There is nothing I can do to change the past. What Jim Patton has done to all of us and to the entire family ~ cannot be changed. He was a bully and abusive man when he was my husband. I am sorry for not doing things differently and keeping you all with me. Life would surely have been different. You wouldn't have grown up learning Hate, as he has taught you to do. I love you ~ I hope reading this web site filled with my life and photos helps you each to learn and know that your mother is not what you have been told. Only God knows and now Shane knows what lies your father has filled your minds with. I am so sorry for all the pain and that you boys had to grow up without the loving soft touch of your mother.

You are in my heart, soul and prayers. Shane is your guardian Angel watching over you and over us here. I love you all dearley. You are my flesh and blood ~ You are wonderful just as I am.

Be confident in all you do and please ~ remember your mother loves you from the center of my soul... The day will come and we will be together again smiling, hugging and enjoying family life.

The day will come... The day will certainly come... Until then...

I Love you...

MOM

Just a Goodnight Note...

Hi Boys,

I was up surfing the net and thought I would sign in just to say "G'nite"

I Love you and hope your day is full of happiness tomorrow.

I think of you quite often-

See you real soon....

Mom~

Hi Chaser ~ Hi Dean-o

I Love You... Today is Sunday and it is 8:30 in the morning. Your sister Rose and Brother Robert and I are watching Jimmy Nutron on the cartoon channel. I am sitting here in front of the TV with them. I have my lap top - on my lap - can you believe it.... and I was thinking of you and thought - Send them a note on my Blog. So here I am. Today at 1:05 we will be at the Padre Game. Rose was "Youth of the Month" at the Boy's and Girls Club. She spends the summer weeks there before and after summer school. One of the prizes was 4 free tickets to todays game so we will be there... Free is the best. We have never been to the New Padre Staduim since it was built a couple years ago. Robert - your step dad, and I are really looking forward to it and so are the little ones. I always take my digital camera everywhere I go... I hope to get some cool shots today. Here are a few photos of us from the past..

This is Baby Robert taken Sept 2005 after a long day at the San Diego Zoo... He was only 1 1/2 in this photo but he is 2 1/2 now. I really liked the way his blue eyes show in this photo - Like Dean-o's eyes....


This is your step Dad Robert with his little Valco boat. I took the photo as we were heading towards one of the several seceret fishing holes at Otay Lake in Chula Vista. We caught an 8 lb Bass this day...


This is Rose - We were at the pool this past June on a cool Saturday morning, so this is a recent photo of her. I bet you never thought you would be able to say you have a sister... and a baby brother... : ) and a really cool step Dad. I am pretty cool too... : )

I think about you children everyday of my life. I miss you all very very much. Shane's passing has been devistating for us all. But he is with us as our guardian angel. I miss Shane too. I feel him around me all the time. I need to see you boys and have you in our lives here in San Diego. Call me any time. See the rest of the blog for more of my letters and thoughts.

I will write again... but have to get these kids ready for Baseball... : )

I Love you- Call me any time....

~MOM~
: )

Happy Birthday James

25 Years Old and you are already so sucessfull.

"I'm Proud of You"

I am very proud of your choice to get into Real Estate. Grandpa Berdeski is a big advocate of Real Estate too. He could talk your ear off if your not careful. You could be sitting right there with him, listning, when blam! Your ear falls rite on to the floor. ~kidding~
Hopefully Rose (9) and Robert (2) into Real Estate as they grow up so they are well financed when they are ready to leave home. What are Chaser and Dean-o thinking about doing?

It is late tonight and Tomorrow is your Birthday and I want to tell you I Love you.
I will always love you, I will never forget the moment of your birth and holding you that first time. I am proud to be your mother. One day we will have a normal relationship again... I forsee it in the future. It's time to move forward with life and keep our eyes on the next adventure, the next moment when we will be a happy family... I am waiting and will continue to wait if it takes forever. It is worth it because, I Love you and all my children. You will one day begin to ask questions and slowly find the answers... and then it will happen... curiosity will happen...

I Love You and please tell the boys Chase and Dean-o I love them too... I look forward to holding and hugging you all... looking into your beautiful eyes and seeing my babies again. I know you've all grown up, but your still little babies in my heart, taken from me at such a young age... so unfair to you boys. But we will start again some day from here... all grown up.
Here is my email address vberd@cox.net if any of you ever want to talk to me... I am always waiting for their phone call's or emails. You boys are my children and I am an awesome woman and mother, daughter, friend and person... One day you will see.

I had to add that photo of Luana and I, we were at Starbucks in May a couple days before my birthday and after our GNO (girls night out) evening. That is a monthly event where about 18-25 women from Mar Vista High School get together for dinner and then talking and giggling over coffee at Starbucks. We usually have all our digital cameras with us and everyone takes photos to compare how old were getting.... Luana is on the Left and the lady with very short hair is Me... I like it short... It makes me feel spunky... by the way I still cut my hair with the Flow bee that we hooked to the vaccuum to cut your hair with all those years ago... can you believe it...

Please do your best to be happy and help your brothers to be happy and find their was out of their dad's house. Your the big brother Help them along where you can... Your a wonderful son...

I love you dearly ~ Mom

Happy Birthday My Son

Poway California, June 28 2006

Over the years I have lost so many memories because 12 + years has gone by with out my precious children, no pictures, no communication, only my sadness and tears mixed with determination to be successfull through all this. I recently came across a hand full of old photos of my 4 sons that has brought joy into my heart and soul. There are no words, there are no words that could ever convey my loss. Now even deeper with the passing of my 2nd born child, Shane Eric Patton. I named him after his Uncle Steven Shane Patton, as a compliment to him and to his Grandma Marilyn Patton who named him. I think he fit that name and that name fit him. What a special boy he was, and now continues to be. He is with me all the time now. He is the only one to have come home. He is with me.

On June 28, 2005 I was asleep in bed dreaming a dream colored in Mauve, Peach and light.... I was peddeling a bike with several other mothers all going in the same direction. We all had baby seats behind us and some of them had children with them and some of them were empty. Mine was empty. It was as if we were floating or gliding down a main street with sidewalks and storefronts. The dream was quiet peaceful and tranquil. Out of now where the sound of a missle came and it was so loud. it passed to the right of me and took out the woman and child who were on my right. I turned quickly looking to see what happened. The mother was laying on her back in the street, her arms and legs streight up. Another woman kept trying to pick up her baby, but he kept sliding out of her arms to the street, limp. At that moment I sat streight up in my bed - waking from the dream. The sound of the missle or rocket was so loud and piercing. I looked at the clock and it was 3:33 am. I layed back down at 3:35 and fell back to sleep. That morning I told Robert and Rose about my strange dream, and I lay on the floor in my family room and showed them how the lady lay in the road behind me.Neither of them were impressed... after all it was just a dream. Then the day went on for us as it always does. I tried to forget about the dream but it was haunting...

The following Friday was a normal day with work, daycare for the baby and school for Rose. My husband Robert went to bed at about 7 pm because he works nights from 11 pm to 8 am. He was sleeping when the phone rang at a little after nine. It was Luana my best friend. Do you Remember her? We have been friends since 2nd grade. I Love Her, She is a special person. Well she said, "Valerie, I need to speak to Robert." I told her he was already asleep asking her what is up... smiling inside as I always do. She was serious and said I need to talk to him get him up. I told her NO, Lu... You know he has to go to work in a couple hours tell me and I can tell him later. Well she kept insisting I get him up so I took the phone into the room and handed it to him. He sat up saying one word, Hello. Then he listened... and the look on his face grew sad as he stared into my eyes taking in everything Luana was telling him. He just listened and stared into my eyes until he finally said ok, Goodbuy and hung up the phone. He couldn't speak. He could only look into my eyes, his eyes filled with fear and concerne.... "what?"... I said... "What did she say?"... He just looked at me and now his eyes were filling with tears.... " WHAT DID SHE SAY WHAT WHAT WHAT!" WHAT ROBERT... SOMEONE HAS DIED? A wash of dread and feeling I have never felt and cannot put into words. " WHAT, HAS SOMEONE DIED?!" He shook his head yes, but he couldn't speak. Now I am screaming and the baby in my arms and Rose at my side. WHO.. MY MOM... he shook his head no...MY DAD... no... ONE OF MY SONS!!!... he shook his head yes.... I SCREAMED JIMMY..... shaking his head no... SHANE.... nodding yes and trying to pull me into his chest as I began to scream out loud pushed him away and giving him the baby, throwing myself to the floor screaming over and over as loud as my body could scream. I screamed and cried, moaned and waled for what felt like hours. The phone kept ringing as word spread throught the family, Robert was talking to my Mom, Dad, Brothers and Sister calling and he was trying to keep the two kids calm. I felt I had lost my mind. Time passed and I could scream no more and I lay on the floor weeping... for my little boy, my baby... Shane. I don't know how I made it through that night.

You were not Abandoned, You were taken & Brainwashed

It is Sunday morning @ 7:40 am, May 7 2006.

I awoke this morning with an awareness of a dream about Jim Patton, your father. I only recall the last part of the dream. I realized his anger for me these past 13 years since I left him has been because - " I Did". I did leave him because of who he was and who he had become toward me. Not for any of the reasons that he tells you children. We were together 13 years and now we have been seperate for 13 years.

I believe that It is time for our hearts to be healed and that you open your selves up to the reality that there is a mother here, in San Diego that has been missing her children. It is very unfortunate that we have been seperated for this time. I believe the end is near and you will come to see me... and see for yourselves that I am your wonderful Mom and little by little you will remember me. We will start again, where we left off and grow into a big happy family.

Come Home Soon... I love you all very much. If it were possible for me to walk into your world, I would. But the resistance that I would meet is too much. I do not want to make you suffer through Jim Patton's rage for me. That is why when ever grandma would come visit you children over the years your dad would be so filled with rage for her and it would spill over to you children. I am sorry for your pain, I am sorry for his pain. I cannot help him. Please open your hearts and your eyes to the reality I am speaking of. You boys are loved by all of us. Me, Grandma, Grandpa, Antie Cindy, Uncle David, Uncle Gary and all your cousins.

You were not abandoned-
You were taken and brainwashed
Fight it.

I Love You...
Mom.

I AM A GIRL

I am a Girl
Who became a Mother
Not just this one
There are five others
My number two
This beautiful son
Went off to War
And now is Gone
A Navy Seal
Like His Father
A Little Boy
Who Loved His Mother
He is Mine
And I am His
Mother and Son
Son and Mother

... Love Mom...

IN LOVING DEDICATION TO MY SON:

SHANE ERIC PATTON
NOVEMBER 15, 1982
BALBOA NAVAL HOSPITAL
SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HELICOPTER SHOT DOWN
JUNE 28, 2005
WITH HIS NAVY SEAL TEAM MATES
EASTERN AFGHANISTAN
US Navy Seal Shane Eric Patton

Letter to James~

Dear James,

I decided to write you and tell you a story from my perspective. After you read it, simply think about it for a while and then you decide what you would like to do with the information. It is a story about our lives and what changed them forever bringing us to today.

It all began with Fear and miscommunication.

March 15th 1994 at 5:00 in the evening I left my husband, your dad. It was not an event I planned but I did contemplate quite often during the previous 12 months or so. We had been married for 13 years and 8 days. We dated for 2 years before we married. It was a long relationship and for the most part it was a good relationship too. I loved Jim Patton and being his wife and mother to you all, my 4 wonderful sons. But things were not going well between Jim and I. It is best to just leave it at that, because telling stories about another person when they are not present to defend themselves is not good practice. But the day came that I was compelled without a shadow of a doubt that this was the day I would leave Jim and that would be that. I filed for divorce very quickly. I think it was within the first month he was served with Divorce Papers.

I wanted you boys to stay with dad so that your lives would be stable while I found a job and home of my own to share. I also wanted to be fair to dad and not kick him out of the house and have the court award me ¾ of his income to raise our children making him look for an apartment. I tried to think about what was best for us all. I believed that we could be one family living under two roofs. I have always tried to make choices that would be in the best interests of our children, no matter what the cost was to myself. And looking back over the past, nearly 13 years, the cost to us all has been horrific. My 4 boys, 2 were still babies, growing up without my love and influence. Hugs and kisses, happiness, joy and loving support that only a mother can provide. It has been just heart breaking for us all.

During the first three months your dad and I were struggling trying to figure out how to move forward as friends and parents. Things were going very well for a while. We were splitting up the household and I had my little apartment at the beach. We had picnics at the beach as a family and then your dad would take you boys back home. We were even working on a strategy for the hope of one day getting back together. Things felt good for the first time in a very long time. That is until the end of June when Jim met Pam and hired a Divorce Attorney. Our worlds were embarking on a journey that we are still experiencing to this very day.

On June 28th 1994 Jim called me on the phone. We initially were discussing the next family visit. Then the conversation changed and Jim began telling me about all his unfaithfulness through out our relationship. I was initially not surprised at this because he had told me about the women he was with before our marriage and I knew about his 2-year affair with my sister that began on November 15, 1982. After leaving our newborn baby boy, Shane, and me at the hospital he drove home stopping at the 7-11 for a 6 pack of Michelob. Auntie Cindy was taking care of my first-born while I was having my second baby. I want to say that I forgave dad and my sister for what they did. After all, I had a choice to make… divorce him and ruin you and Shane’s lives or forgive and keep going. So to mark the forgiving we wanted to bring another brother into the family. Dad and I moved out of that house and into the house next door to Lynn and Johnny Gonzales who’s son Joey was your child hood friend. Dad and I tried to get pregnant for 3 months with no luck but in March 1996 I became pregnant with Chase. Chase was the only baby we planned to have. All the rest of you came unexpectedly, but we were happy every single time. You were all such beautiful little boys. I loved my little but growing family. We moved to Panama when Chase was about 8 months old where Dean was born.

Anyway… during that phone call Jim was giving me specifics about all the women he has had on going affairs with and telling me he was never faithful. His confession was so overwhelming and the details were so disgusting, that I literally lost my mind for a moment. I slammed down the telephone and ran to the medicine cabinet and grabbed all the pills opening every bottle and pouring them into my hand and swallowing them all. I was extremely upset, crying and shaking sitting on the edge of the bathtub holding myself weeping. Before long I began to calm down a little and then realized I just took a ton of pills. I called the poison control center and spoke to a very nice lady, told her what happened and what I swallowed to make sure I wouldn’t die. I thought I would just stick my finger down my throat and barf them all up in the toilet and go on with life. Well, I guess the lady called the fire department because when I hung up with her it was only a few minutes before I heard the sound of sirens. Sure enough the ambulance came to my front door and they had me on a stretcher taking my blood pressure and vital signs whisking me off to the hospital in no time. I stayed at Balboa Naval Hospital for about 3 days recovering. Do you remember any of this?

It was the same evening of June 28th, after his telephone confession to me that Jim Patton went to a Seal hang out called Mc Pee’s in Coronado where he met Pam. If memory serves me correctly she moved into the house with you all on July 6th, about 2 weeks after they met. Dad took you kids to Vegas for the July 4th weekend and when you got back she moved in. Once Pam came into the picture, Jim changed into a different person. He became angry and mean. With Pam’s influence dad began telling me when I could and could not see our children or call on the phone. It was absolute torture for me not to be able to talk to you kids on the phone or see you when I wanted to. Then Pam began calling me on the phone saying horrible things to me. Sometimes in the morning just after you kids had left for school but most often my phone would ring in the middle of the night and wake me from my sleep. Her favorite thing to yell at me in her satanic voice was “ I’ve taught your kids to love me and to hate you, You’ll never be a part of their lives again” She must have called me 30 times or more just to say that to me. At first it really upset me but after a couple years I would hear her voice and softly hang up the phone so she couldn’t hear me. I believe she has a split personality.

The other thing that happened during the time I was in the hospital recovering from the overdose was that Jim’s Divorce Attorney advised him not to speak to me anymore. So the first week of July of 1994, well that was the last time your father ever spoke to me and he has never even made eye contact with me. That is until I saw him at the funeral parlor that Saturday before Shane’s funeral, which was the first week of July 2005. I walked right up to him and said “Hi Jim, How are you?” he glared into my eyes and said, ”I am fine”. I was so scared I smiled meekly and walked away slipping into the ladies room. I remember standing there looking into the mirror and thinking to myself “Thank God I’m not his wife”. He was very angry, as if not a single moment had passed since the last time we spoke.

So as time went on things got worse and worse. Jim being misled by his divorce attorney who’s only interest was in collecting Jim’s money and not in our family’s best interests. And also by Pam, who had her motives for keeping me out of the way. She could see that Jim and I had a very strong relationship and she had to act quickly to destroy it. Her vindictive actions were only in her own best interests. She is like a black widow spider in my opinion. Our family would never have spent the past 12years in this “hell” had it not been for the influence of those two people in our lives.

Fear and Miscommunication go hand and hand and unfortunately people suffer like we all have. I felt happy when I found out that your dad had divorced Pam. I always knew she was not a good person by her actions. I hope that Jim and I can one day be friends again. We can always be friends… we have so much in common and that is our children whom we both love dearly.

I don’t know how to open up the channels of communication with you, Chase and Dean and also with your dad. We have a long life ahead of us. We need to fix this and be a family again. Of course we will have our problems, all family’s do… but please consider life, as it was when you were a kid and I was the Mom… I am still your mom you know… still your mom and your stuck with me. : )

I have worked hard to make a home that my sons could come home to. I have Rose and baby Robert here too, along with my husband Robert. I don’t expect you to jump in the car and drive over here and give me a smile and a hug… not today… but soon, eh.

Just think about it, That is all I ask.

I Love You James, Shane, Chase and Dean too…

It is important to me, and the whole Berdeski Family, that you boys know that you were not abandoned. Think about it for a moment. When in the history of the world have 4 little boys been abandoned by an entire side of their family. My children were taken from me and brainwashed over the years. I have written letters to you boys and Pam always intercepted them. She would call me on the phone in the middle of the night and read parts of the letter to me and say horrible things about teaching all of you to hate me. Even as recent as Shane’s BUDS training. Rosie and I were on our way to the Zoo one morning driving through Coronado. We passed the training center and felt compelled to pull over by the pool and call the quarterdeck. Shane was 18 now and had a mind of his own, so I thought. Anyway, a guy answered the phone and I said I was Shane’s mom and asked if he was there. A couple minutes passed and then Shane said hello. Wow… this was an adrenalin filled moment for me and I said, “Hi Shane, this is Mom”. There was silence and then the phone hung up. My thoughts raced and I was hoping he dropped the phone in surprise so I called back. But the guy on the QD told me Shane didn’t want to talk to me, and he hung up too. My heart sunk and I cried and called Grandpa on my cell phone. We were both so sad. But within a few minutes Rose and I continued on to spend the day at the Zoo. So about a week later I get the usual midnight phone call from Pam. She said, “ You leave my son alone. I’ve taught him to hate you. You’re not his mother. He is my son now. His buds training is very important to him and you better not get in the way.” She kept rambling on but I put the phone down softly on the receiver and said a prayer. To be honest, I don’t think your dad knows to what length Pam has gone to, to destroy our family.

After the funeral Pam got my phone number somehow and called me. Suddenly she wanted to be my friend. She told me she had stolen all of our family photos from a cold storage that she and Jeff ( as she call’s him ) shared during their marriage. She wants to get together over lunch and give them to me. I am afraid of her so I never committed to a visit. Now she has moved, to Texas I think, and she took all our photos with her. She called me numerous times over the past several months telling me all kinds of stories about you children and your dad. She tells me that she has been poisoned, and that Jeff was trying to kill her and all kinds of terrible things. I am so relieved that she is out of your lives.

... There is so much, it is exhausting sometimes... I will add more another time.

Love Mom


James Jeffrey Patton II
Shane Eric Patton
Chase Aaron Patton
Dean Kenneth Patton